Hello, hello! It's tea time once again! I hope you're all safe, healthy, and surrounded by loved ones.
Today, this post is for the people who maybe aren't feeling so loved by those around them. I want to talk about toxic people. We're going to identify toxic traits, things you may experience around these people, and some tips for handling them. I know this is a longer post, but I believe it's really important to choose the people we keep close. We're the sum of the five people we spend the most time with. Weeding out the toxic people can help our personal growth tremendously and teach us to pick better people for our lives. Understanding how to navigate toxic people reminds us we have the skills to build ourselves up, despite their attempts to bring us down.
Sometimes, toxic people can be subtle, and you can't identify their toxic traits right off the bat. Remember, ENERGY DOESN'T LIE! If you feel something is off about a person, trust your gut. Maybe the person doesn't match all of these signs, but if at least two of the things on this list are consistent, you might want to consider how to continue handling this relationship.
Signs of a Toxic Person
1. They constantly invalidate you
I gave examples of invalidation in my post about compassion, which you can take a peep at here. Constant invalidation is a classic sign of a toxic person. They don't listen to you. Instead of listening, they're thinking about what they're going to say next. They tell you that you shouldn't be feeling a certain way or that your situation isn't that bad. If you leave the conversation feeling like your emotions are wrong, you've been invalidated. They also constantly remind you that their problems are bigger.
2. They gaslight you
Toxic people will make you seem "too sensitive" or "too dramatic". You leave the conversation feeling like the situation is your fault and that you're crazy. They cut you off when you're talking. They refuse to hear reason. They explain all the reasons they're right and leave you with your head spinning. Toxic people always think they're right and you're wrong, no matter how much proof you have. They also pretend not to remember hurtful actions they've done, which is called "toxic amnesia". This is a way for them to make you question your sanity.
3. They make you feel powerless
You feel like you can't express your needs with them and that the only solution is to be submissive. Toxic people try to assert dominance over you with phrases like "Well, I'm you're mother and you have to listen to me" and shame you for wanting to voice your opinions. They say these things to shut you down. Toxic people love to say harmful words, especially when you're feeling vulnerable. When you're sad is when you're at your weakest, and toxic people take advantage of that.
4. You're emotionally exhausted after talking to them
When someone is constantly provoking feelings of anger, shame, and guilt out of you, it's normal to feel drained. You spend so much energy trying to be heard, but toxic people don't hear you.
5. They're manipulative
Toxic people are the first ones to say "I told you so". They claim to apologize for hurting you, but their toxic behavior stays constant. An apology without change is manipulation! Besides, toxic people aren't known to apologize unless it'll benefit them somehow. They make you feel that you owe them favors by saying things like "after all I've done for you...". If you try to talk to them about how their behaviors are hurting you, they become offended and say things like "No, not me! I would never!", leaving you more frustrated than you were before. They'll push you to the point where you snap, you start crying hysterically or respond with anger, and then convince you that you can't handle yourself.
6. Disrespects boundaries
Toxic people don't like boundaries being set up around them. They want to assert their dominance and control you. They invade your privacy. You may ask them to stop behaving a certain way but they completely disregard your needs. They don't take "no" for an answer.
7. They play victim
In a toxic person's world, their misery is everyone else's fault. They blame their unhappiness on their circumstances. They also play the victim when it comes to discussing their harmful behaviors. Somehow, the bad ways they treat you are your fault. They also avoid being confronted by taking the attention off of their wrongdoing and harshly telling you about something wrong you've done in the past. When trying to speak with them, they'll give you the silent treatment or say "I'm not going to argue with you" which is a manipulative tactic that shifts the blame onto you.
8. They're overly critical
Everyone has opinions, but toxic people are always criticizing. Constantly. They belittle. They pick apart every tiny detail. They criticize you. They criticize their friends and family. They criticize strangers. Everything and everyone is judged. You can't do anything with a toxic person without a string of negative opinions. They also target your self-esteem and insecurities. They compare you to others. When they're with other people, they make snarky remarks about you disregard your embarrassment. Toxic people criticize to make themselves look better.
9. They guilt you
This ties into manipulation. They make you feel that you owe them something. An example would be money, which is a huge guilt trip. Toxic parents do this too. They express how much they've given up for you and you feel you have no choice but to comply with their wishes.
10. They disguise their toxic traits as love
Toxic people will say horrible things to bring you down, criticize you until you feel worthless, they tell you you're mediocre and unworthy and say that it's only because they love you so much. Or they claim to be your friend/parent/significant other and that they only say/do these things because they care. There is absolutely a way to deliver criticism that isn't harsh. People who come from a place of love can tell you tough things without the desire to break you down. For those of you that don't care for religion, you can go ahead and skip to the next point, no offense taken. For the rest of you, refer to this scripture about love. If this person claiming to love you doesn't match these traits, it's not coming from their heart.
11. They're control freaks
Everything is on their conditions. If a toxic person feels that your situation is worth reacting to, only then will they validate you. Another example would be your eating habits. Maybe you decide you want to go out for ice cream with them and they tell you that you shouldn't because you'll gain weight and harp on all of your insecurities about your body. But, if they want to go out for ice cream, only then is it okay. They try to control everything about you using manipulation. They want to control how you act, feel, what you wear, eat, your career ambitions, and your goals. Everything. And when you ask them to loosen the reigns just a little, you'll get a response somewhere along the lines of "How dare you!". They don't even want you to succeed unless it's on their terms.
12. They're jealous
When something super exciting happens to you, like reaching a goal you've been striving for, getting into a happy relationship, receiving tickets to your favorite broadway show, or whatever it is, the toxic person will probably get jealous. Instead of letting you enjoy these beautiful things, they put you down. They hate when you form positive relationships that you benefit from and say things like "the therapist is only nice to you because you pay her". Misery loves company, and miserable people don't like seeing you happy. They're driven by spite and jealousy.
13. They make you question your other relationships
Toxic people manipulate you so you don't trust anyone else. They criticize the person you show up as in your other relationships. They want you to feel bad about your other relationships so you only focus on theirs. You feel that you can't find love and support from other people. Toxic people convince you that other significant individuals in your life will no longer want to be around you. They do this by picking out different traits of your personality and shining a negative light on them.
14. They don't support you when you're going through a rough patch
If anything, toxic people make your rough patches worse with all of their invalidation, gaslighting, criticisms, and controlling tendencies. You're expected to help them with their emotional needs, but the moment you need their help, they shame you until you're too scared to confide in other people about your mental health. Even when you're struggling, they make you feel bad for confiding in other people and seeking comfort. When you've finally found your way out of this rough patch, they act as if they were the hero of your situation then go back to making everything about themselves.
Personal Signs You May Experience
You feel you can't be yourself about them
You never feel good enough for them, and maybe that feeling has leaked into other areas of your life
You feel that you have to act small around them
You constantly fear that they'll say something hurtful
You walk on eggshells when talking to them
You are easily angered around them
You leave conversations feeling invalidated
You feel guilty around them and obligated to be at their side
You question your sanity
You suspend your needs to be submissive of them
You feel you have no control over the situation
Even when the person has been tame for a period of, you constantly worry about their next outburst
Overall, toxic people make you feel trapped. Cornered. Invalidated. Frustrated. Worthless. They make you feel SHAME. No matter how hard you try to fix the relationship or set boundaries for yourself, you always end up feeling drained. Your feelings are normal. Ideally, you're able to cut these people out of your life. But, for those of us that can't, here are some tips to help navigate a toxic relationship.
Tips for Dealing with a Toxic Person
1. Know that you're not crazy and your feelings are valid
Toxic people are master manipulators. They'll convince you they aren't the least bit toxic and that you're the problem. IT'S. NOT. YOU. It's them. You're not crazy, despite how they make you feel. Maybe they've found a way to justify all of their negative words and actions so you can't accuse them of being toxic, but they are. All of your feelings towards this person are valid. All of your feelings about any situation you've had that they've minimized are valid. They can't understand you. Just because they're limited does not mean you're crazy. You're perfectly sane and have a right to your feelings.
2. It has to do with them, not you
This person is miserable and has countless insecurities that they're projecting on to you. All of the ways they act out are a result of what's going on in their head. It has nothing to do with you! They want you to think it's all you, but it's not. When dealing with this person, mentally remind yourself that the things they're saying and doing are the result of the madness going on in their head and you have nothing to do with it. Although I'm not justifying any of their actions, remember, people who are hurting want to hurt other people. They're in a lot of emotional pain.
3. Set boundaries
Wait, wait, wait...didn't I say that a trait of a toxic person is ignoring boundaries? Yes, I did. But you can still work on establishing boundaries and making them stronger. Heavily enforce them. You can also shift some of your habits to create boundaries. Maybe don't let them know when you're having a bad day so they can't kick you when you're down or invalidate you. Maybe you don't let them know when you're off to have brunch with your friends so they can't say anything hurtful out of spite and jealousy that will ruin your time.
4. Don't share your emotions with them
Toxic people like to attack when you're vulnerable. Not giving them that power is a huge step to blocking out their toxic behaviors from your life. Try to stay neutral around them and wait to release your emotions around trusted friends.
5. Limit the amount of time you spend with them
The more time you spend with this person, the more their toxicity spreads around you. Scale back on the get-togethers and phone calls. It's also helpful to mentally brace yourself before you contact the person, that way their words are less likely to get to you.
6. Don't talk to the person about why they're toxic
It's impossible to explain to a toxic person why they're toxic. They don't want to hear it. You'll end up feeling worse if you mention anything. Remember, you can't change them and they won't listen to you.
7. Don't let your emotions get the best of you.
Wow, this one is tough. When it comes to toxic people, especially those that are supposed to be close to us, all you want to do is tell them how much pain they've caused you. You want to scream in their face. Just talking to them, even when they haven't said anything harmful yet, is a trigger. You're constantly wondering how they'll hurt you next and you want to explode on them so they'll stop. Don't. This feeds the toxic person more. They'll invalidate you and gaslight you and guilt you and the cycle of their toxicity will start again. It gives the person power over you.
8. Let them think what they need to think so you can find peace
If you have to hide your true emotions from this person every day, so be it. Maybe you have to hide your anxiety from them, making them think you're perfectly okay, even when you're investing tons of time in therapy. Them not knowing what's actually going on means they can't put in their input and you might feel happier as a result of it. Maybe they gave you some harsh, unnecessary, and untrue criticism. Instead of arguing, just walk away from the situation. They'll think they were justified in being cruel, but you'll feel calmer because you left before any real damage could be done.
9. Use "I" statements
Using accusing language won't help your situation. Taking ownership of your emotions makes the toxic person less defensive. For example, instead of saying, "You make me angry!", say, "I feel angry when you yell at me because I feel unheard." Using "I" statements is always a great tool to use with any person, toxic or not because it's important to take ownership of our emotions. It's tough to channel these sorts of phrases in the middle of a heated situation, but finding the strength to phrase your feelings this way just might help diffuse the tension.
10. Focus on what you can do to make your situation better
Take care of yourself. Focus on your actions. Do what's necessary to reduce the amount of negativity you let into your space. When they question you, just let them know what you're doing is to help you. Shift the focus onto you, not them. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the ways they've wronged you and want to tell them that the cause of your actions is a result of their insensitivity, but that won't help your situation. Doing what works for you makes it harder for the toxic person to argue.
11. Remember that you can't change them.
I can't stress this one enough! You can't change them! You may want to, but that's not realistic. You can only focus on yourself. They are who they are. As frustrating as this may be for you, let them be.
12. Have a plan for when they're starting to instigate
Toxic people love fueling arguments. They might come up to you and start jabbing at your insecurities and pick a fight. Come up with a plan beforehand that prepares you for when this happens. Maybe you gently say, "I can tell you're upset, but I was about to do an important assignment. I would prefer to talk about this later." or "I was leaving just now to run some errands, I'll be back in two hours" or just nod at everything they say and don't react. Find a way to block the toxic person from hurting you further. If you aren't giving in to them, they'll stop eventually.
13. Be aware that they're not toxic for everyone else
Some people may never understand why you find this person toxic. Maybe they've only had positive experiences with them. Maybe they have the same mindset as the toxic person. Whatever the reason is, toxic isn't always universal. Your experience with the toxic person is valid, but not everyone can relate.
That sure was a lot of information! I hope it helped you get a clearer insight on what a toxic person is. If this post didn't resonate with you, awesome, you probably have a wonderful support network! At least now you're educated so you can avoid falling into a toxic situation. If it did, I hope you've found some peace in my words. Following these tips just might help your relationship shift for the better. Focus on what you can do. You're an incredible glowing human! You got this.
As always, Camryn's Tea Time is a safe space for us to sip our tea and discuss matters close to our hearts. We're all here trying to evolve to the best versions of ourselves. If you have any requests or topic ideas, I'd love to hear about them! And as always, please like, comment, and subscribe if you haven't already.
Lots of love,
Camryn :)